NQT

Update on sticking out!

First of all thank you oldandrew for your comments and I would like to say I have really enjoyed reading your blog. In fact that is partly the cause of me not writing in a while I logged on to write last week and got absorbed in reading it instead! There was a particular bit about a conversation with a class involving daleks which made me laugh!

But then again I am easily distracted, spent an hour brousing through trying to find inspirational maths quotes for my class display earlier today, even though I have a pile of exercise  books/end of term tests screaming 'mark me, mark me you slack woman'.

Talking of marking though, I was chatting with a Canadian teacher the other day and she said in Canada they do not mark books past year 9 as they are just their notes , and they teach the same lesson five
times over in a day instead of having all the different year groups topics and what not . I thought that sounds so tremendously civilised/easy/less likely-to-take-half-your-life and asked why she was teaching here , she said there are no jobs and people have to go on waiting lists. This surprised me I thought there was a shortage of teachers pretty much everywhere.

Obviously not, but I have noticed recently that Australia is doing a recruitment drive offering a great lifestyle to any secondary teachers who can tick the boxes. I must say I have considered it, am also quite keen on the idea of working in an international school with a great climate. However to be eligble for the golden hello you must be at a British school for a term after finishing NQT . This is  fair enough , but frustrating when you have itchy feet, and went eight grand into debt getting qualified so can't really pass up on getting five grand of it back.

Is the start of a long weekend , and then only four days teaching until we have our two week break, so I am feeling happy relaxed and pretty optimistic about my decision to stay at my school. Was interesting I spent a day at another school in the maths department to pick up tips, and while was chatting in their staff room I found myself defending my school and it's rough reputation and feeling quite loyal.  During that day I watched five maths lessons , which was four different teachers , with four different styles, brilliant! It  is a shame I haven't had a chance to observe much before ( have only seen three in my school since June last year).

The lesson I found most fasinating was a teacher teaching a really badly behaved class, so bad that some of the kids (thinking I was from ofsted)sat there telling me how shit the teacher was, how they learned nothing and how he couldn't control the class. At one point there were paper areoplanes going across the room and he just stood there shouting and getting angrier and angier, he didn't appear to know anyones names which didn't help, I was a bit embarasssed to be honest. What I found so interesting about it though was (not that I like to see someone have a bad time)was that as an observer it is easy  to see it starting to go wrong and how he may have avoided it. He made all the mistakes I have made and was interesting to see it from the outside.

I also saw a teacher who had obviously been doing it for years, had the total respect of the children, really knew his stuff  and his lesson was so enjoyable I felt inspired. He was certainly a 'everyone remembers a good teacher' candidate, his lesson was very learner centered , had different pupils at the board going through the answers. I have already tried a couple of things I saw him do in my lessons and they have gone down well, and got good comments in my observations.

I have been observed twice in the past week, once by both my senior  mentor ( the deputy ) and my mentor, and by an LEA advisor. Oddly enough when my HOD heard both of them were observing me at once  she thought it was a bit much . It did create a rather strange environment, the pupils were so quiet with them in the room it made me nervous. My lesson with  the LEA advisor was a nightmare, I realised halfway through I had left their worksheets in the office , so began teaching what should have been their homework, had the wrong powerpoint..... blah blah all went a bit pete tong. The advisor was
great though he said the behaviour was not very good ( he saw my most troublesome class, one boy sat there just saying 'bollox' intermitently and two girls refused to move seats and kept taking about lesbians)but I my teaching was good with the potential to be excellent!

This cheered me up no end!

Talking of being cheered up, I work with a beautiful nutty french teacher who doesn't half make me laugh. We go out of the school gates and swear and shout and feel better, she keeps me sane. She has decided to become a head and is starting a course, I was telling her about my blog and she was saying she should write one about the trials and tribulations of a single mum trying to become a headteacher. Now that would be worth reading, she has the fruitiest turn of phrase!

Anway it is Easter weekend there is a pint with ,my name on, thank you for reading this far Happy Easter have a great long weekend

Note: owing to website problems there was a delay in posting this blog...

Deadline day!

The deadline day !

Well today is the day I have to hand in my notice, I have had numerous chats , tearful phone calls and two interesting meetings with my senior mentor. I got stopped in the pub the other night by a teacher from my school who told me in no uncertain, drunken forceful terms I was being an idiot and should see the year out so at least my NQT is done - freaked me out a little as I hadn't told him I was quitting .

I spoke to another teacher on Monday his response when I said I was going to quit was 'atta girl, are you coming down the the nuclear submarine(what can I say he is Canadian and hasn't really got  the hang of our slang!)'!?

The question remains though 'to quit or  not to quit' tis it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous children!? Or should I just stop talking about it, boring  the pants off people around me,  make my decision and get off the bally fence?

So I have decided I am going to stay and see it through, I have  allowed myself to be persuaded because in my heart of hearts I don't  want to let down the good kids, I don't want to feel beaten,and  maybe quite simply, it is time I stopped running away. It is true, I could be making a massive mistake, if that is the case I will do it with gusto and try not to regret it! I think the worst case scenerio is I snap and walk out, or the school fails me, I don't think they could do this as all my observations have been satisfactory with good elements.

The other thing of course is I fail to develop and learn anything, but I think that is unlikely as I am certainly learning perseverence. Thank you for all the people who have made comments - stealing stationary made me laugh out loud! I am sorry I had not read the comments to the blog before the last, before I wrote the last one. I found the comment that it is normal, particulary useful and  comforting and the link, cheers! 

At the moment I am off school, not with stress but a nasty re-occuring respiratory illness , left over from having pleurisy last year. It is true that being at my school has probably had a negative effect on my health and that part of the reason I have been so miserable recently is that I haven't slept properly because of being under the weather, making it harder to cope and so a vicious cycle continues. 

However, I have decided to focus on the positive, there are an awful lot more people living much harder lives with far more grace than me. So I should just pull myself together, and regain my sense of  perspective and humour, it's not all that bad. It is true that as teaching involves such an emotional  investment when it is going wrong it can feel all encompassing but at the end of day life isn't and just should not be that serious!

To that end I am going to end this blog with a joke 

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one of the year 9s  rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the pupil, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

The old ones are the best!  I found some good sites for teacher jokes  though www.teacherhumour.com and www.jokesforteachers.com if you need a chuckle   

Melt Down

Melt down

I am sorry I have not written for a while but I have had two melt downs in the last month and it is has become increasingly likely that this will become the blog of a supply teacher/someone who left teaching because they value their general wellbeing .
The first melt down involved an advanced skills teacher coming into my classroom to observe (something I had no advance warning of ) and the children thinking she was from OFSTED . At the end of the nightmare (lesson) the AST said the behaviour of this particular year nine class was the vilest she had ever seen . I burst into tears of frustration after the pupils had gone and said I would rather stack shelves in Safeway that put up with lessons like that , but I had to pull myself together because had three more classes to
teach.

I have a difficult timetable where my first free of the week is on a Thursday and invariably I am covering for the Dance or English teacher during this free anyway. So I really don't need the added pressure of an AST scrutinising me, espeacially one who pops in without warning . Although a lovely charming woman after witnessing this lesson from hell ( hopefully the worst I will ever have to go through, although realistically probably not ) she was not particularly helpful as she said that every strategy she would suggest i did I was already doing, but the class had just degenerated into a situation where there is a group of eight pupils who are actually bullying me. Apparently situations where pupils bully teachers are not that uncommon, friends I have spoken to about it have expressed surprise because I am generally a strong forthright person. However I think anyone can become vulnerable to bullying espeacially in my situation where I am still learning and make mistakes.

On a positive note the AST's   recommendation was I had support in this class which the  school sorted out immediately giving me the assistant key stage manager to babysit the children while I teach them  and the lessons since have been so much better. However I had one lesson where she couldn't be there  the children were vile and I had to isolate three of them. Now we are trying a different approach where we have taken out the eight worst children and are going to drip then back into the class one by one. This is all good for giving me a sense of moving forward with my worst badly behaved class but has just
made me consider why I am at the school at all. The level of support I am being given is excellent, but does leave me feeling inadequate

The second melt down involved my year 11 classs who are mainly just irratating they swear  a lot , talk about their drug taking and can't do maths at all.  Their last source of fun was to repeatedly turning off my interactve white board which was dealt with, but just illustrates how they are children that make my working life the joy it is.  They are the class I refered to in a previous blog as being unable to do a task because they  threw show me boards across the room and wrote on the wall with their markers. Anyway on this particular occasion I had alerted as a pupil, as he had snapped a ruler in half and thrown it at me so I wanted him removed from the lesson. I then asked the teacher who responded to remove another child , some of the other pupils disagreed and started having a go at me.............................blah blah blah

As I am writing this I am thinking the details are almost irrelevent it is same old story the pupils  behave badly I feel frustrated and ineffective and don't want to do it.

I ended up telling the deputy head through floods of tears that I am choosing not to be  treated as badly as I am by the pupils I teach and am handing in my notice. He is great  fellah  gave me tea and told me some stories of when he first started teaching . This all happened on Friday , I have said to my senior mentor I will consider over the weekend ( deadline to leave at easter is 28th february ), the school doesn't want me to leave, mainly I think because Maths teachers are difficult to replace espeacially in a school due to close.

My main reasons for leaving are that the maths department was a new department this school year, the school is closing down and a lot of the pupils haven't had a proper maths teacher for a while as staff sickness is so high( the only Maths teacher from the previous team is absent more that she is there before Christmas she had eight weeks off since Christmas she has had four weeks off  ) .

In all honesty I think that the school should not have taken on an NQT all the new staff have struggled. I am also worried that I will not reach the standards I need to pass my NQT year and am effectively gambling my QTS status which I worked too hard to get so am not prepared to do.

The head of department has handed in her notice and is leaving at easter as despite her 27 years experience as she finds the conditions , behaviour and attitude to learning unacceptable and has decided not to do it anymore. The other new  Maths teacher with over 25 years experience constantly talks about how much she hates it and wants to leave , all in all I would rather be in a more positive environment for the start of my teaching career.

So I have decided to quit, feel good about my decision have told my housemates am probably moving out as it  will be easier to supply in London.  I have been told I will be signed off for this term so will be looking for a school to take me on with a term left as a NQT and that is it !!!

Except it isn't ................................. the new head of department  starting after Easter is a friend of mine ( she taught at my school for 6 years and left in september  to go to another school that didn't work out so is coming back). I went to her party last night and she spent a while trying to persuade me to stay, saying it will be very different with her in the department. She is right, it will be but oh hell I don't know  what should I do !?!?!   

Too much to do!

I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day who teaches at a really good school and is finding it hard. He trained at the school I am working at he did his GTP there and stayed for four years, Interestingly enough he is of the opinion  that teaching there sets you up to being able to deal with anything , but now he is finding he is a good disciplinarian but has never really honed his teaching skills. This he reckons is the reason he is finding his new school hard , this got me thinking. If I get through my NQT where I am, will I have developed anything more than my behavioural management skills? Maybe I could be a liontamer?

Resilience, and the ability to resist panning in the head of a child who repeatedly whines 'idonnnageddit' while refusing to either open the text book or write down or even read the worked example? Maybe if I pulled all his teeth out he'd be reduced to a  forlorn lisp?

I had a parent in tonight, concerned that her son is an A grade student , who is in a top set class but one with behavioural problems so he is not being stretched. I said to her I am doing everything I can, I plan the lessons , always have extension work available , mark the books , try and differentiate by questioning, task and  sometimes outcome, and always try to maintain a purposeful learning environment, but it is hard.

Although I probably have the goodwill and co-operation of about 60%( the average likely to be willing to learn in a class according to Bill Rogers )  of the class there are a handful of characters whose  constant barracking and consequential removal from class always distracts from the full attention I can give the pupils in actually learning. I have set detentions and phoned parents unfortunately not all of them take such an active interest in their off-springs education, but all I can do is try. That is what I do...... I try,  and hope everyday it will be easier,and still I spend lessons feeling like a glorified babysitter, and weeks feeling too tired to do anything except school.

Am I developing as a teacher ?

I hope so, the behaviour is improving in my classes, but it is still a struggle and I still feel like I have no life. Will I end up struggling at a good school because I just have no experience of  children that actually want to learn? I don't know, I am sure every school has a different set of challenges.

I said in my last blog I don't want to be a teacher, although I am up and down like a yo yo with that one, I think it would just be more accurate to say i don't want to lead the life I am leading where I am. On that note I have seen a great job in a great part of the country teaching science, my second subject but first passion. Maybe I should give that a go before chucking in the towel completely? Or would I just be running away?

Oh I don't know , I am knackered, it is Monday night I taught a lot of diabolicals today , we had a fire alarm , so kids were unsettled. In my last lesson I had a child throwing chairs, I talked to him and calmed him down but was a bit sketchy. Then when school finished only one of nine buggers turned up to my evening detention, a nice lad but he talked at me so much I let him go early, so I could meet with the parent mentioned earlier.........and my first free is on Thursday, so I better finish this and get planning.

Can I write a convincing application for that great job? Well the deadline is Wednesday, I have 60 books to mark and 10 lesson plans to write before then and that is not even mentioning the detention forms and school sanction paperwork  have to fill out for the kids I alerted today and I am knackered (repetition for emphasis !)

What should I do ?

Comments and  suggestions welcome ! 

2008 !?! Already !?!

First of All Happy New Year dear readers and thank you for comments to the person who commented on the maths clips here is the link if you ever want to use them !   

So we have been back at school for seven working days , three assemblies, five lots of detentions , two crying fits (one my own), one suspension  and countless protestations from children unable to understand 'stop talking thank you' does not mean just finish your animated retelling of what happen over the weekend. Unfortunately of the seven days I have only been in school for six due to a pupil giving me a paper cut, which was so painful I admit I reintroduced my class to the ‘f word’, because the paper cut was on my cornea - and boy did it hurt. He didn't do it deliberately he was trying to get my attention to sign his report and waved it in front of my face while standing behind me. The oddest thing about it was after cutting my eye he continued to say just sign here even after I had jumped in the air sworn and promptly burst into tears with the shock/pain. The school were great though my classes were covered and I went straight to an opthalmist.
      
All is all it being back at school is not that bad , I am trying to remain positive. I have begun lessons with ‘new year new start show me what you are capable of’ and in the most part it has worked . I even had two different pupils come and apologise for their rotten behaviour last year and say they are determined to make an effort this year, which is great.

However, I think I realized with absolute clarity over the Christmas holidays that I do not want to be a teacher, partly due to what I deal with on a day to day basis at the school. (I seem to have been saying ‘Why stay in this poxy country with these poxy people and teach the spawn of such poxy people’ to far too many people recently. It’s become my own mantra rather like people in proper jobs with normal people manage to say ‘Goodmorninghowareyoualright?’ almost as one long word.)

Did I really study as hard as I did to have teenagers throw things at me? Mainly though because I have not been happy since I started this whole teaching malarkey. I have tried to keep positive and upbeat and follow simple rules like making sure I have three square meals a day, enough sleep and exercise (I think the best cure for having a bad time is to concentrate on the basics).I am simply not happy though, and fear I will become another statistic of someone who trained to teach and decided it wasn't for them. I feel I ought to stick it out and get my NQT, but then if I don't want to teach why bother getting my NQT?

I have been told I should try another school before I leave completely and that is probably good advice but I feel fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. It is winter though the weather is dreary I don't think anyone particularly enjoys January full stop so maybe I should hold off any rash decisions. Many people in my close family are teachers – one in particular has this advice: ‘Sod ‘em! You’re the most important person in your life. Forget changing society. Look at how you’re changing – get out whilst you have skin that’s sensitive to criticism, whilst you still have a net total of good memories rather than bad…’

I’m half expecting a plane ticket to arrive from my Uncle with just one word on the card: ‘Leave!’

Personally I had a bad start to the new year as I was attacked after insisting that I walked home by myself at 4.30 in the morning (I still believe that woman have a right to be able to do that although do concede I can be reckless). It was very scary. He hit my head against a wall and shouted at me, ironically enough when he first came up to me and I stepped backwards he snarled are you scared of me? I said ‘No, Happy New Year’ and then he went mental. Fortunately I got away and ran home (was only a few minutes away), but it has affected me. I spent many years travelling through and living in countries considered to be lawless and dangerous and have only ever been attacked here in UK.

To be frank when that happened and then during the times when I stand in front of insolent children who appear to have no idea how to behave I do think what the hell am I doing here? (Though I use different language…’Return of the F word' – it never left!) I was a lot happier when I had a crappy cooking job in Australia because at least I got to surf everyday and the sun was shining.

Hmmmmmmmmmm well that is not really a good positive blog for the start of 2008 , but at least it is honest and sometimes I think  there isn't enough honesty especially in teacher recruitment adverts! Having read though this though I think another New Year’s resolution is to not take myself so seriously!

That said I’d like to set readers some further reading:

Getting Terrored

How we treat crime (Discuss)

Teaching in England - the true story

 

 

The final blog of 2007!

I survived my first term as a NQT hurrah, myself and the HOD actually highfived in the car park as we walked away, she herself has had more than one point this term where she has considered throwing up her hands - she wasn't too impressed that the old HOD she took over from was coming to the Christmas party either but more about that later.
We made it though with most of our sanity intact, although the last few days were a nightmare. I had the head come into my class on the last day while all the malcontents were actually focused and completing the task ( colouring by numbers found through substitution ) , but he was none to pleased  because yes they were eating chocolate and yes Christmas music was playing.

He looked at me unimpressed and said ' we have a tradition in this school of working right up until the last moment' .I pointed out they were practising the skill of substitution but I almost burst out laughing, none of the diabolical have a work ethic at all, and it is hard enough to get them to hold a pen mid term let alone on a non school uniform day the week before Christmas.

I felt like asking him the colour of the sky in his world.

I tried to teach prime factor decomposition on Monday to a chorus of 'why are you making us do work, we watched a video in our last lesson?’ So I did deviate from the NC a little and planned a nice lesson of watching clips that contain maths from major motion pictures, I gave then all a white board and they had to judge it on mathematical correctness, style and interest level - they started throwing the boards at each other and drawing on the walls with the board markers! So yet another nice idea abandoned , I had to change a lesson half way through a few weeks ago because they were stabbing each other with compasses, the only way they can learn construction now, is through animation on the interactive whiteboard.    

Looking back over the term though it has been a steep learning curve I have learned a  lot and in a way mellowed a lot. I have been practising the positive behaviour strategies, and resisted the urge to shout will you just shut up at the top of my voice more and more . The biggest difference though has been getting to know the kids, I now know all my 190 children's names, I have attended two parents evening and one target setting day so met a lot of their parents too. I have broken up fights and looked after crying children, seen children excluded, worried about kids who smell and whose uniform is never cleaned, calmed down my year 11s before their mocks and got to know my key stage managers very well. I have tried out new ideas and discovered ones that really don't work.

I got my year 7s ( small bottom set class )  to plant a herb garden on my desk ,in their first lesson saying it was sowing the seeds of their mathematical knowledge and each lesson they looked at the growing herbs at different heights and decided which one was them , this worked really well - except it was destroyed by a year 9 and my year 11s are convinced I grow 'da weed ' an idea they  are very fond of as they are sure I am a stoner because one of them saw me smoking a roll up outside Sainsbury’s.
   
Do I feel like I know what I am doing and why I am doing it yet? No. not really I still have a long way to go at the Christmas party a drunken LSA who is also the mother of one of  my year 10s took me aside to say she is concerned her son is not being stretched in my classes, but she thinks I am great and will be a great teacher in about three years. Interesting she said three years I have noticed that teachers who have passed that threshold are  generally happier with their job , although some have the thousand yard
stare ,or  the oversized ego. I am not sure at what point exactly you become the teacher you want to be, all I can say is I will keep thinking about it and try to make each lesson better that the last and most importantly keep my sense of humour.

The Christmas party itself was a laugh, it was held in the school hall which was a bit bizarre , but was a sit down meal served by the senior management team which was good , with copious amounts of wine and all the new staff doing a performance on stage to add a touch of cabaret to the event .   We all laughed, and drank and opened our saucy secret Santa pressies, I counted a least three banana hammocks, a blow up doll and a set of booby juggling balls. At least one thing can be said in a school where the children are challenging there is always a sense of camaraderie amongst the staff. When I talk to friends in other schools about the politics, bitching and backbiting that they put up with I am actually glad I am at my school!

So there we have it the end of a term and the end of a year, the year I qualified and really  started learning, am not entirely sure I am in the right profession but at least it is  interesting. I also see that I am even on the ratemyteacher site - though naturally I won't be linking to the actual entry - I like to stay anonymous!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to all you readers

For details of Classroom Management courses please see here

 

 

Getting trollied is now a necessity!

What a week!

A pupil brought me a plant last week.  Said it was to cheer me up. Keep ‘em coming!’ is what I say as I really do need cheering up. So if any readers here...

I used to go and have a curry and then get trollied at the end of the week as a ‘pleasurable activity – now it’s become a necessity. A valve. A way to let off steam – and not all through my mouth! The alcohol helps me forget, to wind down - but the curry makes the world fall out of my bottom.

Anyway enough about me as ‘me’, more about ‘me’ as a Prison Warden ‘teacher’.

This week included parents evening. I had rehearsed 1000 ways to say ‘your Satan’s spawn is a nightmare’ diplomatically . (There must be a book there surely? ‘Teaching the little shites’ or similar.) I’d even practised my fixed smile – the one I’d use if asked about the chances of exam success in the summer. But for once I was pleased about the level of absenteeism. The parents-of-the-shites didn’t come and so I spent the evening talking to the quiet, well-behaved kids parents who are concerned their kids are alongside such unteachables.

Actually that’s not quite true as I did talk to one ring leader's parent who actually said to me you can't expect them to listen to you and do what you say they don't what to look square! Ahhh, peer pressure at its very best … not. Maybe this teamwork is to be encouraged, though. A kind of chain gang mentality?

I had a chat with the Head about all this and he actually suggested that we don't try to teach the whole class because they won't listen but instead set the task and go around giving individual tuition. Good job this isn’t a fee-paying school otherwise there’d be complaints from parents that there offspring weren’t being taught.

We’ve also just had an INSET day. Guess what happened? We spent the day ignoring the fact none of our kids listen long enough to follow instruction let alone knowing what their targets are but we have to do the paperwork anyway .

I notice too there have been articles elsewhere about bullying. (After all, it has been anti-bullying week) Bullying is so rife in my school (a member of my form year 7 wet himself on the way home) I allow kids in form room at lunch and breaks to give them a safe haven. The downside is I get no break.

Is there a plus side? Yep - one of them plays the guitar really well. Maybe we should compose a modern version of Stairway to Heaven’…

There's a teacher who's sure that the critters are bold
And she's buying the stairway to heaven.
When she escapes where she’s at, if the class are all brats
With a glare she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying the stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall, graffitti in the hall
The animations will have two meanings.
In the counsellor’s room there’s a woman with bling,
Sometimes our career choice is misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's more but I feel so disillusioned with teaching - I don't mean to be crap am just not very creative when I have had little  sleep and am generally not having a good one .

Busy, busy, busy

No post this week - sorry. I am far too busy with lesson plans and so on. I am beginning to be a little worried though. I am beginning to actually dislike the pupils as 'people'. Maybe this NQT jobbie is not for me - and how many teachers have had such thoughts?

Call Diversion

Another torrid week! Firstly, thank you for the comments made to this blog - it's nice to know people are reading it!

Today's blog will be very short.

Now, I'm not poking the finger at anyone here. It could have been anyone, BUT, my phone got nicked by some git last night along with my wallet. It is going to take a while to get another phone sorted. That means if I want to call in sick I'll have to go to a phonebox!

I also found out that I am being evaluated this week. Normally that would be fine, I have practised my chair catching skills and it is rare that a yob in class can catch me unawares. The problem is that I am well behind with my lesson plans and that is one essential thing to have when being evaluated. (I guess they get a sneaky delight at seeing my objectives for the lesson and how I rarely make it past point 1 - 'Survive'.)

With luck I'll be able to post again on Wednesday! By then I may just have caught up with thing and also Wednesday is the 'trough day' for the week (note I didn't use 'peak') in terms of troublesome classes. I get past there and the rest is easy. So I will post on Wednesday - promise!

The trials and tribulations of being an NQT!

Oh yes if anyone does see my phone (the number '9' is well worn - 999, geddit?) and my wallet (it's the one with standard resignation letters I downloaded from this site  ) then post here and I'll send some heavies to come and get it. We call them 'the exclusions' ... I think it might catch on.

Language, truth and abuse.

So a week has gone by since the half term break and I can't help feeling that week I spent looking forward to has vanished and now is just the wait till Christmas. Then I think, what ? I have never spent my time looking forward to the future rather than enjoying the  present and generally admonish people who say can't wait till Friday with a ' don't wish  your life away !' Yet here I am after a long day questioning whether I really studied so hard in order to send a large part of it shouting at teenagers.

Which is another thing  shouting , I always told myself I would be the kind of teacher that never shouted, then I catch myself giving a child a vitriolic verbal blast for tipping the desk over or simply failing  to be quiet long enough for me to take the register.

So who am I ? What kind of teacher am  I ? Why did I want to teach again ? Some lessons I stand there looking at the darlings dismantle the resources I spent my evening putting together instead of going down the  pub, and don't know the answer to that one.

Why would anyone want to teach ? In these  days where media tells us demands are getting tougher, behaviour is getting worse,  respect is plummeting and any guide to starting a teaching career includes ideas on surviving on little money  that is a fair enough question.

My response when asked why I want to teach pint in hand is usually something banal like I like working with kids and  would like to make a difference. The original question though what kind of teacher am I ? is the one mostly concerning me this week, although on course in a 'trying-to-avoid-naval-inspecting' kind of way.

That is one of the hardest parts of being an NQT, the feeling of a weird kind of identity crisis not experienced since the high drama angst-ridden teenage years I thought I had left behind years ago. I feel like I am still finding my persona in the classroom and as an NQT  have found myself in so many  previously unconsidered or unexperienced situations, I am still discovering the right way to react, respond  or behave. I have always believed life  to be 10% what happens to you and 90% your attitude towards it, but in the classroom I haven't figured out my attitude, is it one of stoicism, perserverance  trying to remain  positive or just  generally unsure?

Some teachers tell me how to behave in a classroom is simple, it is all a performance. Others say the  closer your teaching style is to your personality the more enjoyable it will be. I am unconvinced either is entirely true.  I watch in amazement when I see some teachers sweep into a room say a few words  and the kids who had previously been  leaning out the window and terrorising passersby , sit down and comply with all they say. I  can't do that yet , and on some days I feel I am even still learning the language.

I have made some mistakes on that score , one of the obstacles I faced on starting in the  classroom was toning down my sometimes colourful language.  I have allowed kids to say  bloody, because I do not find that offensive and am sure I saw a snippet on newsround about its roots being something to with a  name for nobles. So using 'bloody' could just be  embracing our anglo-saxon heritage, but then where do you draw the line? That line of  argument could be used to make acceptable some of the fruiter language used by Chaucer that certainly would make me blush. Simply though, I don't want the kids to swear so of  course I don't but sometimes it is hard. I  have made the mistake of saying 'no shit sherlock' to a group of year 11 which has haunted me in lessons, and unfortunately said 'stop pissing around' in the heat of frustration once , but once was enough.

In today's last lesson a kid told me to piss off so I asked him to stand outside ,he said it  again, I ended up taking the class to another classroom and leaving him in there to be dealt with by senior management . However,  the other pupils said 'but you have said   'piss' around' I tried to explain there is a difference between using it as an exclamation  and saying it deliberately to offend, and emphasised  I have never addressed anyone with  such disrespect . Although mentally I kicked myself for ever having used the word in the  first place, but then I am an NQT and I make mistakes .

Teaching is the only career I can think of when unfortunately most of  those mistakes are witnessed  by a crowd.

Maybe I should be a referee...