MFL

Der Podcast

My German is rusty - horribly rusty. 25 years ago, I lived for a year in Germany, and quickly achieved that benchmark of fluency - DREAMING in a foreign language. All that German I once knew must still be in there somewhere, surely?

In an attempt to kick-start my hopefully just dormant German, I tried to find some Medium- or Long-wave German radio stations to listen to on long car journeys. Nichts, or rather, such poor reception that:
1. I could tell it was German, but no more than that
2. the level of interference gave me a headache after 5 minutes
3. when I could get a good signal, it turned out to be an unlistenably inane chat show

Solution? Der Podcast! DeutschlandRadio have most of their programmes available after transmission "als Podcast" Here are just a few:       

• Bücher für junge Leser
• Büchermarkt
• Campus & Karriere
• Computer & Kommunikation
• Corso
• Das war der Tag
• Deutschland heute
• DLF-Magazin
• Eine Welt

So get down to D-radio, download some Podcasts, burn to CD, and rack-tzack*, lovely clear German radio for your own use, or as a teaching resource.
* I seem to remember this is the German equivalent of "bish bosh", but I can't find it written anywhere, so can't vouch for the spelling - please advise!

Please, where is bus for Woolacombe?

Today's blog comes to you from the only wi-fi cafe in sunny Ilfracombe, North Devon. I wasn't intending to blog at all this week, but the town is awash with French, German and Italian teenagers, all presumably attending a language summer school here, and all, presumably, under the impression that they're going to leave speaking fluent English.

Now, I'm not, by nature, a Grumpy Old Man, and I rant very rarely. However, in the case of so-called Summer Schools for languages, I'm going to make an exception, and I offer this diatribe in the hope that other language teachers will join the debate and post comments, both for and against. It is my humble but strongly-held opinion that children who travel abroad IN GROUPS are going to learn nothing more advanced than "Deux Coca, s'il vous plait" in France, or, if they come to Ilfracombe, "Please, where is bus for Woolacombe?"

There may be morning classes for these groups, which could be held equally well in their home country, but if they spend their leisure time abroad in groups of their own nationality, they're going to learn next to nothing of the foreign language, because they've been denied TOTAL IMMERSION.

Total immersion in a foreign language is very, very scary for a teenager, but is THE ONLY way to gain fluency quickly. My French-teacher mother sent me, aged 13, for two weeks to stay with a French family near Marseille. I had only basic schoolboy French and I was terrified. By the time she picked me up from the airport two weeks later, I was fluent. Sure, my vocabulary was probably limited to teenager- and domestic French, but I was fluent. I could express myself as readily in French as in English. By the end of two weeks' total immersion, I even DREAMT in French.

If parents wish to send their offspring on language summer schools abroad, fine, but they should be made aware that what they're paying for is a FUN HOLIDAY of very limited educational value.

Discuss.

Stairway to Heaven?

Brother Cesare Bonizzi is a 62 year-old Capuchin monk. He has a long white beard, lives in the  small friary of Musocco near Milan, wears a traditional Capuchin brown habit, and sings in a heavy metal band. Yes, way.

The newly-styled Fratello Metallaro has earnt himself a Wikipedia entry and cites as influences the bands Metallica and, perhaps appropriately for a man of the cloth, Megadeath. Gregorian chant just doesn't cut it for Bonizzi: "Metal is the most energetic, vital, deep and true musical language that I know."

He has just performed in Italy's biggest heavy metal festival, Gods of Metal, where he sported full Franciscan habit and frequently made the sign of the horns. This offensive hand-gesture is common in Italy (suggesting cuckoldry) and in heavy metal music (denoting devil-worship.) It also appears on the cartoon cover of the Beatles' 1968 album 'Yellow Submarine', though John Lennon apologists (for it is his cartoon who makes the gesture) have suggested that the cartoonist mis-drew the sign-language for 'love'.

Bonizzi is going with the 'love' connotation of the gesture he makes, though he may have more trouble explaining to his Father Superior the spiritual meaning of the "What the f***" he also let slip on the concert stage. Bonizzi insists that he is not trying to win converts to Catholicism through his music, but converts merely to the raw energy of life.

You can enjoy some of Fratello Metallaro's performances on YouTube

Eagle-eyed gesture watchers will notice that the hand-gestures made at the monk by his fans are, indeed, the sign-language for 'love' (thumb also extended.) Gloria in excelsis Deo.

Dico, dico, dico

Apologies to Italian speakers: I've found lots of jokes in Italian on the net, but none with translations. Since my own Italian is limited to food and music (fettuccini/allegro ma non troppo) I can't vouch for their cleanness. Nor do I understand them, so here instead is a selection of Italian jokes in English from Italian-link.com

It's a mine

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along.   On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend " Hey Paulo, it's a mine, it's a mine!!!" Paulo replies " O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it!!! "

Italian customs officers

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.   The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."   "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. 
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.   "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing.   "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.  "Quattro means four.   You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".   The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come".  "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".   

Hands in Pocket

What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pocket?
A mute

The mafia godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has defrauded him of ten million dollars.   This bookkeeper is deaf.   It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. 

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.   The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. 

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about.  " The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A Greek and an Italian (probably not for classroom use)

A Greek and Italian were discussing who had the superior culture.   The Greek  says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.   With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

Digo, digo, digo...

The next stop on our tour of MFL jokes is Spain. (I only got O Level Spanish, which I why I need the translations.) As with Monday's German jokes, these are so clean you could tell them to your mother, and would make nice illustrations of vocab or points of grammar. There are plenty more at Spanishpronto.

¿Has oído el caso de ese fugitivo que secuestró un autobús de turistas japoneses?
(Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?)
La policía tiene 5.000 fotos suyas.
(The police have 5,000 pictures of him.)

Hay tres clases de personas:
(There are three kinds of people:)
las que saben contar y las que no.
(those who know how to count, and those who don't.)

El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:
(The doctor calls his patient by telephone:)
- Vera, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.
("Vera, I have good news and bad news.")
- Bueno... dígame primero la buena.
("Well then, . . . tell me the good news first.")
- Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.
("The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live.")
- Pero, bueno, ¿eso es la buena noticia? ¿Entonces cuál es la mala?
("Well, that's the good news? Then what's the bad news?")
- Que llevo intentando localizarle desde ayer.
("That I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.")

Unos tíos están subidos a un árbol cuando les ve un policía.
(Some guys are up in a tree when a policeman sees them.)
- Pero, bueno, ¿ustedes qué hacen ahí? Venga hombres, bajen. ¡No sea que se caigan y se rompan algo!
("Well, what are you all doing there? Come on men, come down. Let's not have any of you falling and breaking something!")
Y cuando llegan al suelo...
(And when they arrive on the ground . . .)
- A ver, ¿ustedes quiénes son?
("O.K. now, who are you?")
-¡Pucha, qué memoria! ¡Los del árbol!
("Geez, what a memory! The ones from the tree!")

- Jo, tío, me acabo de comprar un aparato para la sordera que es una maravilla. Me lo puedo meter en la oreja y nadie se da cuenta.
("Hey, man, I have just bought myself an aid for deafness that is a wonder. I can put it in my ear and nobody realizes it.")
- Jo, ¡qué cosas...! ¿y cuánto te ha costado?
("Huh, what things [will they think of next]! And how much did it cost you?")
- Las dos y cuarto.
("A quarter past two.")

Un paciente entra en la consulta del médico.
(A patient enters the doctor's office.)
Doctor: - ¿Qué es lo que le ha traído por aquí?
(Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?")
Paciente - Una ambulancia, ¿por qué?
(Patient: "An ambulance. Why?")

Se encuentran dos amigos.
(Two friends run into each other.)
- Oye, macho, ¡tengo un pato que habla!
("Hey [listen], man, I have a duck that talks!")
- Amos, hombre, no digas tonterías.
("Come on, man, don't say stupid things.")
- Que sí, ya verás. Ven a mi casa y lo ves.
("But it's true, you'll see. Come to my house and you'll see it.")
Llegan a la casa, abren la puerta y aparece un pato.
(They arrive at the house, open the door, and a duck appears.)
- A ver. Pato, tráeme una corbata.
("Watch. Duck, bring me a tie.")
- Cuaaa!
("Quack!")
- Pst... la de rayas misma!
("Geez . . . the striped one! [Cuál = Which?])

Una cigüeña está en su nido con su hijo, que está llorando:
(A stork is in her nest with her son, who is crying:)
- Mamá, mamá, buah, ¿dónde está papá, snif?
("Mom, Mom, waaaa, where is Dad? Sniff.")
- Hijo, tranquilízate, no pasa nada. Está haciendo feliz a la panadera llevándole un niño.
("Son, calm down, nothing [bad] is happening. He is making the baker happy, bringing her a son.")
La noche siguiente es el padre el que está solo en el nido con la cría, que está llorando otra vez.
(The next night it is the father who is alone in the nest with the baby, who is crying again.)
- Buah, papá, papá, buah, ¿dónde está mamáaaa...!
("Waaaa, Dad, Dad, waaaa, where is Mom...?!)
- Deja de llorar, chico, si no pasa nada. Se ha ido a llevar alegría a casa del alcalde...
("Stop crying, boy, because nothing [bad] is happening. She has gone to bring joy to the mayor's house...)
La siguiente noche, el padre y la madre están preocupadísimos en el nido esperando al pollo, que aparece con cara alegre.
(The next night, the father and the mother are worried sick in the nest waiting for the chick, who appears with a happy face.)
- Pero, bueno, ¿qué pasa? ¿Dónde estabas?
("Well, what's happening? Where were you?")
- Nah, no pasa nada. Le estaba dando un susto a una estudiante...
(Nah, nothing's happening. I was giving a scare to a schoolgirl...)

Vorsprung durch Slapstick

Of course the Germans have jokes too. Unfortunately, many of the funniest ones online are also too rude or too sick for classroom use. The jokes at Deutsche Kinderwitze, however, are perfectly acceptable 'pre-watershed' jokes, and would make a nice introduction to various points of grammar. You could even bookmark this page and use it when lesson-planning...

"Papi, wo liegt Albanien?"
"Da mußt du die Oma fragen, die räumt hier doch immer alles auf!"

Familie Hering schwimmt im Meer. Da begegnet ihnen ein U-Boot. Klein Hering versteckt sich ängstlich hinter seiner Mutter. Doch die beruhigt ihn: "Das sind nur Menschen in Dosen."

Eine Dame sitzt im Cafe. Da geht die Tür auf, ein Pudel tritt herein, bestellt ein Schokoladeneis und geht wieder.
Sagt die verblüffte Dame zum Kellner: "Außerordentlich, nicht wahr?"
"Ganz außerordentlich, Madame," sagt der Kellner, "sonst kauft er immer Vanilleeis."

Ein Gewitter zieht auf. Herr Schulz hastet mit dem Gartenschlauch durch seinen Garten. Verwundert fragt ihn sein Nachbar:
"Warum spritzen Sie denn noch? Es wird gleich regnen."
"Eben! Ich muß unbedingt noch vorher fertig werden."

Ein Mann vom Land kommt mit dem Zug zum ersten Mal in die Großtadt. Als er aus dem Zug steigt, sieht und hört er einen Mann mit einem umgehängten Blechkasten auf dem Bahnsteig auf- und abgehen und rufen: "heiße Wiener, heiße Wiener, heiße Wiener." Er geht auf ihn zu, schüttelt ihm die Hand und sagt: "Freut mich, ich heiße Müller."

Fritzchen weint den ganzen Tag, weil sein Goldhamster gestorben ist. Der Vater stellt verwundert fest: "Als Oma starb, hast du doch nicht geweint."
Darauf Fritzchen: "Die hab' ich auch nicht von meinem Taschengeld gekauft."

Frau Müller geht mit ihrem Mann zum Psychiater und erklärt dem: "Herr Doktor, mein Mann bildet sich ein, daß er eine Parkuhr sei."
Fragt der Arzt: "Warum erzählt er mir das denn nicht selbst?"
Antwortet Frau Müller: "Aber er kann doch nicht, er hat doch den ganzen Mund voller Groschen!"

"Herr Graf, brauchen Sie eine Taschenlampe?"
"Nicht nötig, Johann. Ich finde mich auch so in meiner Tasche zurecht."

A nous, maintenant

Following Monday's outrageous slurs (mostly by Americans) on the national character of the French, it seems only fair to let the French respond in kind:

Comment appelle t'on un homme cultivé aux USA ?
Un touriste.

"Les Etats-Unis sont passés de la barbarie à la décadence sans connaître la civilisation". - Albert Einstein

Aux USA, quelqu'un qui s'intéresse à la culture européenne, c'est un intellectuel.
En Europe, quelqu'un qui s'intéresse à la culture américaine, c'est un... attardé !

Quelle est la différence entre un américain et un pot de yaourt ?
Contrairement à l'américain, le yaourt, au bout d'un certain temps, finit par développer une certaine culture.

Que risque-t-on à traiter G. W. Bush d'andouille ?
Cinq ans de prison pour divulgation de secret d'état.

Dieu a dit : - Il faut pacifier. Il faut désarmer.
Bush a compris: - Il faut pas s'y fier. Il faut des armées

C'est dans un train, un américain avec un grand chapeau s'assied en face d'un autre mec, et il lui crache une fois juste à droite de la tête, et une fois juste à gauche, avec une précision redoutable.
Il se présente : - James Billton, champion du monde de crachat.
Le mec d'en face se lève, se place à 10 centimètres du visage de l'américain, et lui crache en pleine gueule :
- Pierre Martin, amateur.

Sondage : Une Enquête Mondiale a récemment été réalisée.
Elle contenait la question suivante : S'il vous plaît, quelle est votre opinion sur la pénurie d'aliments dans le reste du monde ?
Cette enquête fut un échec total car :
          * en Afrique, personne ne savait ce qu'étaient des "aliments",
          * en Europe occidentale, personne ne savait ce qu'était une "pénurie",
          * en Europe de l'Est, personne ne savait ce qu'était une "opinion",
          * en Amérique du Sud personne ne savait ce que signifie "s'il vous plaît",
          * aux Etats Unis, personne ne savait ce qu'était le "reste du monde" !

Un touriste américain à Moscou a envie de faire pipi. Ne trouvant pas de toilettes publiques, il se tourne vers un arbre, mais un policier s'approche: - Monsieur, vous ne pouvez pas faire ça ici !
L'Américain dit tristement: - Mais j'ai très envie de pisser !
      - Venez avec moi.
Le policier l'amène dans un parc bien entretenu, avec un immeuble couleur crème, et dit : - Voilà, vous pouvez y aller.
Le touriste se tourne vers le mur, fait ses besoins et dit au policier : - Merci, c'était parfait! Est-ce que c'est ça l'hospitalité russe ?
      - Non, c'est l'ambassade américaine.

Read more bons mots here.

Je dis, je dis, je dis...

The Asterix authors had great fun at the Brits' expense in Asterix Chez Les Bretons. In the interests of editorial balance, here are some jokes at the expense of the French.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q: How many people does it take to defend Paris? 
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? 
A. The Army.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? 
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?
A. Stick your hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an real ugly bird you've there. Where did you get it?"
The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

The French battle flag - three white fleurs-de-lys on a white background.

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.

"In response to recent terror attacks, the French government have raised their terror alert status from Run to Hide. If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to Surrender, or even as high as Collaborate."

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country." Mark Twain. 

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." French President Jacques Chirac

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"  Hannibal Lecter

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."  Marge Simpson

Factoids III - Poitiers

Poitou-Charentes is half-way down France's Atlantic coast. The capital is the ancient university city of Poitiers. One in every three people in Poitiers is under the age of thirty and one in every four is a student. It follows then that two in every three people in Poitiers are over the age of thirty, though some of them may still be students. Of these, it is believed that as many as one in seven may be statisticians.

The first Bishop of Poitiers, from 350 to 367, was Saint Hilarius. The name of the second bishop is not recorded.

Poitiers-born Eleanor of Aquitaine was the eldest daughter of William X (the tenth, not a radical pseudonym) and granddaughter of Countess Dangereuse (they're making this up!) The court in which she grew up was the most cultured in Europe and the birthplace of 'courtly love' (no sonnets on the first date).

Her first husband was Louis VII. In 1146 they embarked together on the Second Crusade, referred to in subsequent accounts as 'Ye Terminal Fyve of Crusades'. Half way across the Phrygian mountains, Eleanor and Louis started a 'domestic' over the amount of luggage she'd brought (plus ça change). While they were still bickering, the Turks attacked. Surviving the attack but somewhat discouraged, Ellie and Lou decided to go for an easier target and attacked Damascus - much to the surprise of their allies, the Damascans. An act of indiscriminate slaughter and pillage can often bring a couple closer together (Relayte Handebooke, 1178) but not the Aquitaines, who eventually returned to Poitiers on separate ships.

Read more Poitiers trivia here.

Ils sont fous, ces Bretons

I've just spent a happy half-hour at the official Asterix website. There's plenty here for intermediate French students to enjoy - there's La Missive d'Informations, where your pupils can subscribe to a monthly email newsletter from Asterix' village. They can also send Asterix e-cards to penfriends and even try some Asterix adventures in Picard and Creole dialects.

I remember greatly enjoying Asterix chez les Bretons when I was at school, though I'd forgotten the authors' entertaining disclaimer at the beginning. Apparently they published a similar disclaimer in all of Asterix' adventures abroad, lest any of the nationalities lampooned took it the wrong way:

    "As usual, we caricature what we are fond of, and we are fond of the British, in spite of their strange way of putting Nelson on top of their columns instead of Napoleon. However, when it comes to presenting this skit on the British to the British, we feel we owe them a word or two of explanation. Our little cartoon stories do not make fun of the real thing, but the ideas of the real thing that people get into their heads, i.e., clichés.

   We Gauls imagine the British talking in a very refined way, drinking tea at five o'clock and warm beer at the peculiar hours of opening time. The British eat their food boiled, with mint sauce; they are brave, phlegmatic, and always keep a stiff upper lip. Suppose we were British, caricaturing the Gauls, we would say they all wore berets, ate frogs and snails and drank red wine for breakfast. We might add that they all have hopelessly relaxed upper lips, and that phlegm is not their outstanding characteristic. And most of all, we should hope that the Gauls would have as good a sense of humour as the British."

Bonté gracieuse!