I imagine the headline, 'Streakers Hit Charles Polo Match' was intended in some way to rouse my patriotic indignation. What right-thinking (or Right-thinking) Englishman would not be affronted by such a slur on The English Way Of Life and Our Own Royal Family? Whatever next, 'Brussels Bureacrats Meddle With Rules Of Cricket'?, 'Al-Quaida Link To Corgi Flu'?
I read on, shocked to the very core by each sordid detail of the weekend's scoop non-story. Three gentlemen, it seems, disrobed at the Cartier International Polo Match in Windsor Great Park. This event is, I was informed, "one of the most glamorous dates in the social calendar." I've obviously been missing out all these years.
As the BBC report unfolded, the surrealism of the streakers' antics was eclipsed by the surrealism of the main event and its spectators. Fortunately (all breathe a sigh of relief) our English sportsmen were not upset by the naturist intrusion. Said Luke Tomlinson, England Polo Captain, "You are so focused on the game you hardly notice." Thank heavens it didn't put him off his stroke. The Australians might have beaten us at hitting a small ball with a long stick, on horseback. It doesn't bear thinking about.
The reporter was unable to assess the streakers' impact on occupants of the Royal Box, but was at pains to inform us that they included heir apparent, the Prince of Wales, and 'Harry Potter' actress Emma Watson. Let's hope they weren't upset, for all our sakes. A trauma like that could have profound implications for the future of the kingdom, or worse, for future 'Harry Potter' films.
The BBC was, however, able to reassure me that Our Own Dear Queen was mercifully absent from the event, and was happily ensconced in Dunsinane or somewhere. The Two Royal Princes were likewise spared this atrocity, being otherwise engaged serving abroad in an ill-judged American colonialist adventure (I paraphrase.)
So, loonies everywhere, loonies streaking, loonies on horseback with long sticks, loony royals and teenage actresses of, shall we say, modest talents looking on. If I were forced to spend time with any of them, I suspect I'd get along best with the streakers.
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